Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
