Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
