I'm so fucking centered right now
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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