Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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