Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
