i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Randomize
