he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
