Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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