captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
