I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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