my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
