The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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