Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
