Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
