playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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