you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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