Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
