i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
