Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
