and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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