No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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