we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
