some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
