Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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