11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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