what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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