we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
