i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
