I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
