my mouth tastes like poor choices
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
