are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
