there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
