umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
