i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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