Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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