You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
