the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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