All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
