I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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