doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Your cock deserves a montage
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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