Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
