My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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