matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
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Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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