I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
