I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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