Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
