Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
