it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize