I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
