One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
