Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
