WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
