she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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