Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
