What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
