Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
