Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
