i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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